Earlier this spring I went to the doctor for a screening colonoscopy. It was my first one, and I give the experience 10/10 and recommend it to you. Why?

1. I didn’t have to worry about what to have for dinner the day before. Bone broth, black coffee, and jello is pretty good.
2. I got to talk to friendly doctors and nurses, who ask questions about my favorite subject, me!
3. They gave me Fentanyl and Propofol (Michael Jackson drugs!) Unlike the previous president, I was NOT awake for the procedure.
4. A screening colonoscopy is preventative care, so thanks to basic health insurance it is free (as in beer, not speech).
5. Afterward, my spouse picked me up and drove me home. Hooray! A chance to see my wife in the middle of the work day!
6. Finally, when you get done, food tastes better than it ever has.

One part of the procedure still confuses me though. After I undressed and put on a (fairly revealing) one-piece gown, the nurse came in and asked in a very serious way, “Are you carrying any weapons?” I wasn’t (Where would I hide them in this gown?) and while I could have made a joke, you should realize that every question they ask in a pre-operative theater comes from either research studies, best practice, or previous cases. The nurse asked if I brought a gun into the colonoscopy prep room because someone, likely in the recent past, brought a loaded handgun into the colonoscopy prep room. Last week a dental hygienist told me she’d cleaned the teeth of someone with a gun on their belt. Why in the world would you do this? What possesses a person to bring a gun to a doctor’s office?

My Grandpa Moore used to say, “One shot, deer. Two shots, maybe a deer. Three shots, no deer.” I’ve heard the National Guard gives you all the practice ammunition you want, but the militia visiting the doctor’s office doesn’t seem so well-regulated. There’s a children’s’ book on Amazon titled, “I’m not scared, I’m prepared.” Is this really the civilized world you want to live in?